Challenging Behaviour

Teenagers can challenge even the calmest of parents. When you have further pressures in your life, such as other children, work, relationships, family commitments or illness, it can feel as though your teenager is going to push you over the edge.

Try to step back from the situation, and remember your child or young person may have physiological reasons for behaving in ways that can be difficult to live with. They're probably not enjoying it either.

You're the adult and you will feel that it's your responsibility to guide them through the difficult times, but that is not always easy. Do not expect to enjoy your time with them all of the time, and remember to look after yourself.

Teenagers can be largely emotional rather than logical because of their hormones. It is not necessarily pleasant for them, and it can even feel frightening.

Although it might be hard for you, they need you to maintain a calm consistent presence.

Follow these tips:

• decide what the boundaries are and stick to them – teenagers may object to these but know they're a sign that you care for and about them
• listen to them when they do want to talk and try not to interrupt until they've finished speaking
• allow them to learn from their own mistakes – as long as they are safe – and accept they might do things differently to you
• do not bottle up your concerns – if you're worried your teenager may be having unprotected sex or using drugs, try talking calmly and direct them to useful information, such as these articles on drugs or getting contraception.
• allow them to have their own space and privacy

The Relate website has more information about parenting teenagers that covers many of these subjects.

It's useful to remember that your own behaviour can improve or worsen an aggressive situation, so it's important to be a good role model for your teen.

If you act aggressively but tell your teenager not to, they will not listen. It's also helpful to remember that their anger is often based on fear that they're losing control.

Try these tips:

• try to maintain a calm and peaceful presence – you need to be strong without being threatening
• make sure your body language reflects your willingness to listen
• avoid staring them in the eye and give them personal space
• if an argument feels out of control, explain to your teen that you are going to walk away and come back again in half an hour in order for things to calm down

Breathing exercises can help take the intensity out of an argument. Take a deep breath, hold for a few seconds and then exhale. Repeat 5 times.

When your teen is calm, suggest this technique to them so they, too, have a way of controlling their anger.

Remember that teens may not know how to handle their anger, and this can leave them frustrated and frightened.

However, as with toddlers, if you give in to teenagers because their shouting and screaming intimidates or baffles you, you are in effect encouraging them to repeat the unreasonable behaviour as a way of getting what they want.

Sometimes, teen aggression can turn into violence. If they lash out at you, or someone or something else, put safety first.

Let your teenager know that violence is unacceptable and you will walk away from them until they've calmed down. If leaving the room or house is not helping, call the police. After all, if you feel threatened or scared, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Family Lives offers this advice for coping with, and helping, a violent teen:

• give them space – once they have calmed down, you may want to talk to them about what has happened and suggest that they let you find them some help
• be clear – teenagers need to know that you will stand by the boundaries you set. They need to know that any kind of violence is unacceptable
• talk to their school – find out if their aggressive behaviour is happening there as well. Some schools offer counselling
• avoid using violence towards your teen – this sets a positive example that violence is not OK
• arrange counselling – if your teen admits they have a problem and is willing to get help, book an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist as soon as possible. Speak to a GP or their school about what help is available

If you're worried about your teenager and they refuse to talk to you, you may need to open up other channels of communication.

Avoid persistent direct questioning as this can make them feel threatened.

Try these tips to encourage your teenager to open up if there is a problem:

• be honest and explain that you're worried that they're going through something difficult
• point them towards websites or helplines that can give them information on depression, drugs and self-harm so they can find out the facts themselves
• do not blame yourself for any problems they're having and try not to take it personally – this will not help the situation
• tell them you'll be there for them when they do want to talk
• let them choose where to go for help, which may be a GP, a family friend or school counsellor
• help your teenager think for themselves – encourage them to think through the pros and cons of their behaviour, remind them what they’re good at and what you like about them, and help them think critically about what they see and hear

For more helpful tips, see Talking to your teenager at NHS.uk.

Noticeable symptoms of depression in teenagers can include:

• continuous low mood or sadness as well as frequent tearfulness
• voicing/showing feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• being irritable and intolerant of others
• little or no enjoyment of things that were once interesting to them
• increasing social isolation
• disturbed sleep patterns (for example, problems going to sleep and/or waking throughout the night)

Read more about depression on NHS.uk.

If you think your teenager is depressed

If you think your child may be depressed, it's important to talk to them. Try to find out what's troubling them and how they're feeling.

See some tips on talking to younger children about their feelings and talking to teenagers.

Whatever is causing the problem, take it seriously. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it could be a major problem for your child.

If your child does not want to talk to you, let them know that you're concerned about them and that you're there if they need you.

Encourage them to talk to someone else they trust, such as another family member, a friend or someone at school.

It may be helpful for you to talk to other people who know your child, including their other parent.

You could also contact their school to ask if the staff have any concerns.

Best For You exists to make it easier for young people and their families to access mental health support that’s right for them.

In includes a portfolio of innovative, clinically-assessed and age-appropriate digital aids including a library of safe and ORCHA accredited apps that have been rigorously vetted and tested
When to get medical help

If you think your child is depressed, or you're concerned about their general wellbeing, make an appointment with them to see a GP.

If necessary, the GP can refer your child to a local children and young people's mental health service (CYPMHS) for specialist help.

If you need during a mental health crisis or emergency, read about where to get urgent help for mental health

If you suspect that your teenager is self-harming, look out for any of the following signs:

• •    unexplained cuts, bruises or cigarette burns, usually on their wrists, arms, thighs and chest
• •    keeping themselves fully covered at all times, even in hot weather
• •    signs of depression, such as low mood, tearfulness, a lack of interest in everything
• •    signs of low self-esteem, such as blaming themselves for any problems or thinking they are not good enough
• •    signs they have been pulling out their hair

Read more about self-harm and if needed, where to get urgent help for mental health.

MindEd for families has more information about what to do in a crisis.

CalmHarm is an app to help distract a young person from self-harming. They call it “riding the wave.” When the young person has an urge to self harm or urges to self harm they can go onto the app and choose to ride the wave. It allows you to select an activity type such as: comfort, distract, express, release or random. You can select which one you’re feeling and set an amount of time that you’re going to do the activity for. There is a long list of activities to choose from.

If you suspect that your teenager is self-harming, look out for any of the following signs:

• •    unexplained cuts, bruises or cigarette burns, usually on their wrists, arms, thighs and chest
• •    keeping themselves fully covered at all times, even in hot weather
• •    signs of depression, such as low mood, tearfulness, a lack of interest in everything
• •    signs of low self-esteem, such as blaming themselves for any problems or thinking they are not good enough
• •    signs they have been pulling out their hair

Read more about self-harm and if needed, where to get urgent help for mental health.

MindEd for families has more information about what to do in a crisis.

CalmHarm is an app to help distract a young person from self-harming. They call it “riding the wave.” When the young person has an urge to self harm or urges to self harm they can go onto the app and choose to ride the wave. It allows you to select an activity type such as: comfort, distract, express, release or random. You can select which one you’re feeling and set an amount of time that you’re going to do the activity for. There is a long list of activities to choose from.

The most common eating disorders include anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and other specified feeding or eating disorder (OFSED).

OFSED, when symptoms do not exactly match those of anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, can be just as serious. Some children and young people may experience avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID).

Signs of eating disorders can include:

• complaining about being fat, even though they are a normal weight or are underweight
• letting people around them think they have eaten when they have not
• being secretive about their eating habits
• becoming anxious, upset or guilty when asked to eat
• vomiting, or using laxatives in order to lose weight

Read more about eating disorders.

Get advice if you have a child with an eating disorder

BEAT offers a wealth of information on eating disorder conditions, including signs and treatment, recovery, supporting someone with an eating disorder, and support services - such as a helpline (0808 801 0677), on-line peer support and a message board.

Signs that your teenager is taking drugs can include:

• losing interest in hobbies, sports or other favourite activities
• dramatic changes in behaviour
• excessive tiredness and lack of appetite
• dilated pupils, red eyes, bad skin
• stealing money from you

Find out more about drug use and getting help on NHS.uk.

Talk to Frank for everything you need to know about drugs, their effects and the law; including facts, support and advice on drugs and alcohol.

Contact can be made by phone on 0300 1236600, or text 82111, or live chat via the website from 2pm to 6pm daily.

Changes in your child’s behaviour can be a normal part of the process of child and adolescent development. However, there are some circumstances where changes in behaviour are an indication that something is wrong. In these situations, you should Trust Your Instinct – if things don’t feel right, they probably are not.

Children and young people can be exploited by adults; but can be exploited by other children/young people too.

Often when children become exploited they and those around them may not realise it as it happens via a process called ‘grooming’. This is where someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

Check out signs of child sexual exploitation and criminal exploitation

What can I do as a parent?

You can help protect your child by trying to understand their issues and getting the support you need.

Talk to them about the dangers and consequences of gangs, child criminal exploitation and county lines. They may think that these people are their friends and won’t be aware they’re caught up in something more sinister.

Be available and take an interest. Don’t pile on the pressure for them to tell you exactly what they’re up to, but encourage them to talk about how they feel and what’s happening inside and outside of school.

Take time to Listen. Let your child know that you’re there to listen to them, with no judgement. If they can come to you and talk without fear of being told off, they are more likely to open up.

Talk to their teachers and other parents, the more trusted people there are that can keep an eye on your child, the safer they may feel.

Set a good example. Sometimes children can be exploited because they don’t feel they have good role models at home. If their home environment is chaotic or neglectful, they may seek out groups they feel give them more stability. If they’ve been treated violently at home, they’re much more likely to think of violence as an acceptable answer. 

Get further support.

• Safer London works with young Londoners who are affected by, or at risk of violence and exploitation and can provide further support.
• The NSPCC has a gangs helpline and information on their website. 
• If you’re really concerned, you can call your local police service on 101 for advice.

If your child is missing you must report them as missing to the police.

One of the most frequent indicators of child exploitation is your child going missing. It is really important that you report your child missing to the police every time they go missing, even if it is occurring on a daily basis.

It is commonly thought that you must wait 24 hours before reporting somebody missing, but this is not true. You can make a report to the police as soon as you have done as much as possible to locate your child and that you consider them to be missing

Reporting a child missing

You can report your child missing by visiting your local police station, or over the phone by dialling 101, which automatically transfers you to your local police. You can also find your local police station online.

If you know that your child is in immediate danger and threatened with violence, injury or loss of life, then call 999.

Missing people provides support and guidance. Need help? Talk to them on 116 000

Here are some examples of local organisations in Hillingdon that you and your family might find useful.

The Centre for ADHD and Autism Support

Supports, educates and empowers individuals with ADHD and/or autism, their families, and the community.

Contact details:

Television House
269 Field End Road
Eastcote
Middlesex
HA4 9XA

Tel: 020 8429 1552

Hillingdon Austic Care and Support

Through provision of high quality Family Support, Training and Recreation Services, the aim of the charity is to minimise disability and maximise ability of individuals on the autism spectrum. 

Contact details:

HACS Resource Centre
Dudley Place
Off Pinkwell Lan
Hayes
Middlesex
UB3 1PB

Tel: 020 8606 6780

Addiction, Recovery, Community, Hillingdon (ARCH)

A community drug and alcohol treatment and recovery service. It provides assessment and short-term treatment, and helps individuals to access other support services.

Contact details:

Old Bank House
64 High Street
Uxbridge
Middlesex
UB8 1JP

Tel: 01895 207777

Hillingdon Women’s Centre

Safe and confidential information and advice on a range of matters including: benefits, housing, domestic abuse, education, training, health, social activities, and support groups.

Sorted

Confidential drug and alcohol support for young people aged 12-21 in Hillingdon.

Contact details: 

Young People’s Drug and Alcohol Team
Fountains Mill
81 High Street
Uxbridge
Middlesex
UB8 1JR

Tel: 01895 257285

LINK Counselling Service

At LINK young people can talk to someone outside of their family and friends about something that is worrying them.

Contact details: 

Fountains Mill
81 High Street
Uxbridge
Middlesex
UB8 1JR

Tel: 01895 277222

KISS – Keep it Safe & Sorted

KISS (Keep It Safe ‘n’ Sorted) is a confidential sexual health drop-in service for 13-19 year olds in Hillingdon.

Contact details:

Fountains Mill
81 High Street
Uxbridge
Middlesex
UB8 1JR

Tel: 01895 250721

Hillingdon Youth Council

The Hillingdon Youth Council is a forum in which young people can discuss and exchange their views and opinions about issues affecting young people.

The Youth Council is made up of young people from across the borough - from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds - who are aged between 11 and 19-years-old (up to 25 with SEND). The core group is elected through an annual election process through schools in Hillingdon, but all are welcome to get involved.

There are many other community groups and support organisations in your local area that may be helpful for you and your family. Contact your local library or children’s centre for more information.

Kooth is a free and anonymous online counselling and emotional well-being platform for children and young people in Hillingdon. There are no waiting lists or referral systems. Children and young people can access Kooth from any connected device; counsellors are available weekdays from 12 noon to 10pm and from 6pm to 10pm on weekends. 

Best For You exists to make it easier for young people and their families to access mental health support that’s right for them. It includes a portfolio of innovative, clinically-assessed and age-appropriate digital aids including a library of safe and ORCHA accredited apps that have been rigorously vetted and tested

• Family Lives is a charity specialising in supporting families. You can call their confidential helpline on 0808 800 2222 (9am to 9pm Monday to Friday, 10am to 3pm Saturday to Sunday). You can also visit their forums
• Relate offers relationship advice and counselling. You can also use Live Chat to talk to a counsellor
• Young Minds, the mental health charity, has a confidential helpline for young people and their parents. Call them on 0808 802 5544 (9.30am to 4pm Monday to Friday)
• The Samaritans are available on 116 123 any time to talk about any type of distress and to get confidential support and advice; or you can email jo@samaritans.org
• Youth Access has details about youth organisations and services offering teens counselling, advice and support
• FRANK, the drugs charity, has comprehensive information about drugs. You can also call their helpline on 0300 123 6600 (available 24/7)
• NSPCC is dedicated to stopping child abuse. You can call their child protection helpline for support and advice on 0808 800 5000.
• Pace works alongside parents and carers of children who are, or are at risk of being exploited. Their website provides information and guidance on how child exploitation affects the whole family.
• Internet Matters is a website that has a wealth of information and tips on the practical use of social networking sites and clear advice on how to use and implement parental controls on devices.
• Stop it Now! UK and Ireland is a useful website for anyone with concerns about child sexual abuse.  You can call their confidential helpline on 0808 100 900 if you’re worried about the sexual behaviour of another adult towards children or concerned about the worrying sexual behaviour of a child or young person.
• MOSAC provides support to parents and carers whose children have been sexually abused. 
• CEOP helps keep children and young people safe from sexual abuse and grooming online. They offer help and advice to parents and carers. You can also make a report if something has has happened to your child online which has made either you or them feel unsafe.
• Victim Support is the national charity for victims of crime in England and Wales. You can call their Supportline for free on 0808 168 9111 or request support online via their website.
• The National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247, run by Refuge provides confidential advice and support. You can also access support online.
• Women’s Aid provide information and advice for women affected by domestic abuse. Online support can also be accessed via their website.
• Galop, LGBT+ anti-violence charity operates the National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800 999 5428